The Republic of Swazzi (note the double Z) is vast and quirky place located entirely in my head. In modern technical parlance, it’s actually a blog. But the powers that be (me, myself, I) think that blog is a frumpy, unpoetic little word, far too closely related to blah. So, in accordance with Swazzi Imperial Edict Number 001, Swazzi has been designated as a First-Class Imaginary Realm.

It’s a nation! It’s a republic! No, wait. It’s an empire! (Because this means that yours truly gets to be Empress-for-life.) Yes, a sovereign state and a benevolent dictatorship, Swazzi is a mental travel destination with a ton to offer the discriminating brain tourist/reader. So, in conjunction with the Swazzi Tourism Association, we cordially invite you to visit The Republic of Swazzi today!

PS: The exchange rate is great right now, so you can visit all our most fabulous attractions, stay in six-star accommodations, and enjoy the finest of treats—all for less than the cost of a cup of nothing at home.

Your Swazzi Travel Guide

Swazzi is unique among countries, because it’s not geographically fixed. It’s a travel-loving republic, so it’s often on the move. Wherever Swazzi may currently be in the world, it’s a good idea to check out the map before you venture forth. (The natives are notoriously bad at giving directions.)

Swazzicutin volcano in southernmost Swazzi

Swazzi’s Northern Territory is home to the Ministry of Philosophy and Cogitation. Folks up North are more introspective and prone to thinking Medium-sized and Big Thoughts. Locals think it’s because of the cooler weather and the strong coffee, grown on the slopes of the Swazzicutin volcano. As the saying  goes, “There’s nothing like cloudy day, a cozy sweater, and a hot cup of Swazzi Dark Roast to bring on the Big Questions.”

Conversations often stretch late into the night, tackling conundrums (connundra?) such as: What is the meaning of life? Where do we go from here? and Who’s picking up the check? As well as compelling contemporary issues like Starting Over, Midlife and Other Crises, Surviving as a Single Women over 40, and the Egg vs. Emu debate. Incidentally, Northern Swazzis are also the biggest consumers of aspirin in the land.

The Eastern Territory is home to our biggest city, Swazzitropolis, also our thriving center for the arts. Overseen by The Ministry of Culture, the region is especially known for its photography, fiction, literature, and wordplay in general. (The yogurt is pretty good, too.) The famed Swazzi Lecture Series features visiting dignitaries and guest contributors from all over the globe. Book reviews, too!

On these Eastern shores, creativity is revered, along with strong black tea and black clothing, and there are three bookstores and two museums for every citizen. Less favorably, in East Swazzi, there are 6 single women for every single man, and 18 women for every sane, mature, responsible man who doesn’t live with his parents. Not surprisingly, these are the empire’s greatest consumers of chocolate and quirky foreign films.

South Swazzi is under the general, generous guidance of the Ministry of Travel and Horizon Expansion and the NAA (National Adventure Agency). Lowland valley dwellers are famous for tall travel tales, saddle sores, and jet lag.

The most mobile of Swazzinos, Southerners collect more passport stamps than the all the other provinces combined. The beaches of Southern Swazzi are celebrated for their white sand, warm water, and wanderlust. It’s also where you can get the best food, from Sopapillas to Falafel to Nasi Goreng. Their motto is “See South Swazzi and See the World!”

Lastly, in the Western Province lie the Steppes of Swazzi (home of the Great Swazzi Veldt Lion & Unicorn Sanctuary). Under the purview of the Swazzi Storyteller’s Guild, the region is famous (’round these parts, anyway) for personal essays, musings, and the occasional rant. (Also for herds of wild miniature horses and the manufacture of delicate, fanciful blown-glass tchotchkes, which don’t necessarily combine well.)

The vineyard-covered province’s other main export is a velvety Merlot-Cab blend with a tangy swazziberry bouquet and a peppery finish. (Second largest consumer of aspirin.)

Getting there: Pack your mental bags and hop on board: www.Swazzi.com

Swazzi Airlines reminds you that you may bring as much baggage as you like, be it emotional, on wheels, or both. There are no fees for checked bags, the in-flight meals are ample and excellent, and cocktails are free on days that end in a Y.

You don’t need a visa—just an open mind and a sense of humor. (In a pinch, a fondness for the bizarre will do.)

Swazzi Trivia: